Ain't Dead - and Ain't Acting Like it:

I can understand why some would not try! or The Road Back is all Up Hill!

It's the little things that we take for granted that get to you the most....
Like stepping off a curb without looking down....
Like carrying a cup of coffee, back to your seat, without spilling it...
Like recognizing that you are spending more time with the "mechanics" of reading.....
Then actually reading....
Like speaking what's on your mind, and upon hearing yourself, remembering just how you sound, and suddenly knowing why the one you're speaking to, curls up their face upon listening.
Like turning around instinctually and dealing with the dizzy feeling that follows.
Like remembering, as you clumsily step fast across the street to beat the changing light's traffic, that you don't really know how to run that well...and then trying mostly not to fall.

And in the gym

Like noticing how your strength isn't the same....nor is your flexibility....nor is your acute ability to spin on a dime....but recognizing at the same time that there are some aspects that have improved.

Bottom line: It's amazing how far it is on the road back!

And, while it's equally incredible is how far I've come....(so say others), but that there is still so very, very, very far to go!!! Whoa! With nothing other than faith - that you'll ever get there - where ever there is....

I can thoroughly understand why some would give up.
but, I'd rather die trying, than give up...

The pull to give up - feels like just wanting to go lay down...but it also feels like dying.

I don't know if I can pull all the way up!!!...cause, with this, you don't know, until you do....and then curiously enough, you end up knowing more about what you still "can't do" - as well as feeling grateful for what "new" thing just returned!!!

But, I'll walk on by faith.

Cause staying like this....is just unacceptible!

On Dave Letterman's late night television talk show the other night, there was a guy showing how to save yourself from falling through a thin spot in the ice. He said one idea is to hang on the side of the broken ice, and maybe get stuck to it. He spoke about a guy who got his beard stuck, and how it saved his life....

Getting stuck is so that if you go unconscious you don't slip back into the water and drown.

I can dig it. The desire to let go - in this ordeal - is similar to slipping back - into the darkness. It feels like letting go. Going to sleep! Saying, "The Hell With It!"
But there ain't no ice to get stuck to!

It is your own "Will" which is the ice! Jeez! If you get stuck - it's like being stuck to a belief, it's like being stuck on a concept! Ultimately it's a function of your Will. Which means essentially, that you need to get "stuck on Life."

However, to appreciate Life - i.e., having a life; living a life; experiencing the wonders and marvelousness of a life; you may often need to be reminded - frequently - of a reason...Why! Cause "Self Pity" tends to weaken the wonderment of life... And in this ordeal, the drudgery of rehab is like waiting for a rescue - a rescue from life's down side. And you're all alone....noticing the little normally unnoticable things. And, You don't know if rescue is gonna happen! You don't know - But, unless you do stick it out and try - you do know - exactly what is going to happen!

Nothin Good!

And then if, and when, something good does happen - It feels like a blessing. Cause, truth be told, you're not altogether sure you did it, anyway! You know that when healing occurs - You know that it didn't have to happen...You understand that it just did! Life wasn't promised! But nevertheless, it just occurred!

Good things happening - as well as bad - make you think about God!

Heck of a feeling! Not being able to Do!
Heck of a feeling, not being able to do what you can see, feel, and remember yourself doing.

Nothing to do, but to do it anyway.....If you've got the Will!

I don't know if I can...cause in this experience, you don't know you can do, until you do....

But, I'll walk on by faith.

But, damn.....I understand those who don't!

(For those who've read the above before - I see the above as the beginning of the third installment of what may become my initial book on the subject. In a future post I'll offer information as to how the manuscript can be downloaded via E-book).

Here's more:


I've lived to appreciate the training I received becoming a "Sensei." I know, indisputably, today, that the preparation I received then, is the reason why I'm able to report now, on what I'm writing about.

The doctor's said this all along. They were refering to the focused determination...the action of the "Will." Something they surmised was the positive result of years of mental, physical, and emotional control learned through my training. But, somehow it didn't quite mean the same... I felt then, as I do now, that the road back is terribly long... There's nothing easy about this! No Way! I certainly do understand, in a most personal way, why others have decided to give up.

But the thing is...the thing that I want all who're reading this to understand is that you've got to recognize at the outset: Is that there is no gurantee of success! Getting the courage up to Do doesn't in itself guarantee success -no sirr! The effort to "Do" doesn't mean that you will ultimately get things going your way. Doing doesn't gurantee success. However, not doing is a sure enough guarantee of accepting your fate. Which in the story I'm about to tell, meant death.

I simply chose to act on my fate, rather than accepting what was offered. The trick is to learn to master the Will to do what needs doing. Excellence is achieved in the "doing" - in traveling the wa - in putting it all together. Success and failure belong to the aftermath. We don't control outcomes.

We only control our next decision. Excellence is a decision.

I do wish, however, that my martial arts master was alive to share this tale with. He brought me through so much, that was then and even now being tested. Perhaps this book is in some ways an unloading of sorts. Perhaps it is a way of communicating.

I have a whole new way of appreciating the preparation I received in the last 10 years of my master's life. He passed of a massive heart attack in 1988. He too had uncontrolled hypertension. However, in his case, Death had taken the one I thought of as invincible. Now it was my turn, I thought, but not without preparation. Take for example this scenerio:

Back in my training days my master would put me in jiu jitsu holds that would cut off my wind. I'd spend what seemed like enternities without air. And then, when it seemed that I could take no more; sure that I was about to pass out, expire, or whatever; my master would loosen his grip and I could "sip" a little air. It was always about as much air as you could sip through a swizzel stick - like the kind they serve with cocktails in a bar. Not much air, that's for sure...not at first, anyway. Later, that tiny sip of air would be something to appreciate! That sip of air was enough to be "life giving."

Now, in the hospital there were many, many times when lying in the bed, air flow to my lungs would suddenly just stop! I might find myself awakened to a state of not breathing; or maybe i'd already be alert, when the air flow would just stop. Jeez!

I have one of those moments when thoughts in the mind just seem to whizz by! I'd think - "This is it! This is the time I'd been expecting. Death was at hand."

There was always, accompaning those moments, an undeniable urge to just let go...as in "go with it." I clearly remember that urge. It felt llke a draw...or a lure. The urge - seemed to say through what I felt - silent words which were almost soothing - "you can just relax and let this struggle go. It'll be an easy out!"

"Hell no," I remember thinking. (I used to cus a lot, back then. As a matter of fact, I probably didn't say the word "hell!" Truth is that back in the war in which I lived, I cussed a bit. I cussed in order to brace up - I cussed like I needed to get motivated enough, i.e. mad enough - to live).

"Hell No," I'd say to myself, thinking...."I'm gonna turn over." Somehow I knew that not turning over, i.e., staying in the same position meant - I couldn't get my breath back - not turning over meant giving in to death. So, I'd have to shift positions, move my chest to another angle in the bed...turn the heck over...if I was to live.

I'm not trying to give the impression of being a tough guy here. Scared, yes. Scared stiff - no. My master used to say that we can become scared stiff - like the saying goes -or we can be scared fast! He'd say: "Getting scared 'fast' is just a different treatment of the same emotion."

So, I'd get moving. Besides, I'd been here before. I reckonned that it'd take me the better part of a minute and a half to switch positions. Heck, that was at least a couple of seconds better than my master ever permitted...and there was NO moving when he put you in one of those lock down holds of his. I wasn't unprepared! I could do this!!!

So, I'd get moving. Understand that with the kind of cerebellum bleed I suffered, loss of muscle control is the biggest consequence. Turning over was an event of significance! Nevertheless, I figured that if I didn't panic I'd either make it....or not. Chances were better if I stayed cool and didn't unnecessarily burn what oxygen I had.

Staying put, on the other hand, meant I wasn't making it, for sure. "What the heck," I thought. "Get going...and don't waste energy!!!!"

And the little voice in my head would say: "So, you wanna be Sensei!" - Yes, damnit, Hell Yes!

It's important to understand that I didn't approach the effort of turning over while thinking that I was gonna make it. Cause frankly, I didn't. I remember thinking that such thoughts would be a bit presumptuous! Fate could easily prove me wrong. Besides, I had no way of knowing what was going to happen. I just did what the old saying says:

Hope for the Best! Prepare for the Worse! And, take what comes......

Here in the midst of the struggle, a turn here, a twist there...a shift in the angle of my chest...and....ssssisst! A tiny swizzel of air! Air! Life! I live! Just like in my master's grip! I live again!!!! YESS!!!

You don't know, but, hey...Life goes on! Whew! Dodged another one!

After this happens a dozen or so times, you get braver! It's like you know what to do...and even though you're playing in a life and death game, you are more skillful in the knowledge that with Will there can be a Way. So you get busy and turn over....

And, Hell Yes, I darn sure do want to be Sensei!!!